I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
i've created a new STD.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Randomize
