Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Randomize
