I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
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