I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
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