i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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