just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
Randomize
