Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Randomize
