I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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