Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
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