I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
Randomize
