I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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