Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
i do not condone bathtub ky wrestling
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
Randomize