She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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