I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
