so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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