had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
