I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
Randomize
