The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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