Define "chronic" masturbator.
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
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