the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Randomize
