I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
