Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
