allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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