so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Randomize
