State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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