Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize
