shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
Randomize
