I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize
