hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
doooooooo herrrrrrrrr
I'm out of practice. be my yoda
put your penis in her you must.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
try to milk me bitch
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