If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
i am not an asshole. i paid for her to take a cab home.
dude, we were in ann arbor. she's from cincinnati. ten bucks didn't even get her back on I-94. i maintain my position. you are indeed an asshole.
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
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