I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
The ass gains better be worth it
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