so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
