i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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