Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Randomize
