so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
Just role played anchorman. And yes, I did take her to pleasure town.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
