How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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