You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
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