True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
Randomize
