she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
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