apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize