the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
she said i was amazing, then i left to room to take the rubber off and came back to find her masturbating with my xbox controller while niko got a call from roman.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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