i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
Randomize
