He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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