And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
so she asking me "is it okay to have dangling labias?"
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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