Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
Randomize
