why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
