"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
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