There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
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