I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
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