I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
Randomize
