If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize