I want you more than these girls want KFC
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
There are two guys here arguing over Pearl jam and Nirvana. 1991 wants its argument back.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Randomize
