Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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