I saw his package. It spoke to me.
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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