You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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