a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
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