i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
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