Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Randomize
