gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
I'm a sociology major remember
Well that and comm
Basically you majored in how to get laid
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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