I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
The best revenge is premature balding
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
