It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
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