I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
