How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
