The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
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