My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
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